Forgiveness for Adults

What Is It?

Researchers have defined forgiveness as a process, beginning with the choice to let go of resentment, negative judgment, and negative behavior towards the person who has harmed you. Forgiveness does not require you to excuse, condone, forget, or reconcile with the person who has harmed you, nor does it require them to apologize. Indeed, the offender doesn’t even need to be aware that you have forgiven them.

Forgiveness is intended to bring you peace of mind and frees you from corrosive anger. It helps you to recognize the pain you have suffered without letting that pain define you, enabling you to heal and move on with your life. With time, some experts suggest that you may even begin to cultivate positive feelings, thoughts, and behaviors toward the offender—including compassion, generosity, and love.

Ultimately, forgiveness is a choice one makes for oneself—one that can take time to fully be realized, but in the end it is worth it.

A high school teacher spent several hours over the weekend preparing a new set of lessons for her students on a concept with which they were struggling with last week. Monday morning the teacher finds herself feeling hurt by a group of students who repeatedly disrupted her lesson, making it difficult for others to follow along. Her anger grew when she read an article that suggested teachers are at fault for students’ lack of achievement. Though she feels extremely hurt because her efforts seem to go unacknowledged, she decides to forgive her students and those who don’t seem to understand all the challenges that teachers and students face, which contribute to poor outcomes.

Why Is It Important?

Forgiveness makes us happier.

Research suggests not only that happy people are more likely to forgive but that forgiving others can make people feel happy, especially when they forgive someone to whom they feel close.

Forgiveness protects our physical and mental health.

When we dwell on grudges, our blood pressure and heart rate spike—signs of stress which damage the body; when we forgive, our stress levels drop, and people who are more forgiving are protected from the negative health effects of stress.
People who receive therapy designed to foster forgiveness experience greater improvements in depression, anxiety, and hope than those who don’t. Forgiveness may also play a role in preventing suicide.

Forgiveness promotes greater connection.

When our friends, family, co-workers, and others inevitably hurt or disappoint us, holding a grudge makes us less likely to sacrifice or cooperate with them, which undermines feelings of trust and commitment, driving us further apart. Studies suggest that forgiveness can stop this downward spiral and repair our relationships before they dissolve.
People who feel forgiving don’t only feel more positive toward someone who hurt them. They are also more likely to want to volunteer and donate money to charity, and they feel more connected to other people in general.

Forgiveness is good for workplaces.

Employees who are more forgiving are also more productive and take fewer days off, partly thanks to reduced stress around their relationships.
Among teachers facing high stress situations, forgiveness has been found to be related to greater life satisfaction and positive affect and lower negative affect, which could help prevent burnout.