Learning How to Listen: Practices for Focusing Your Mind and Calming Your Body

I don’t know about you, but I feel a bit overwhelmed by all of the conflicts I’m observing in the world right now–whether I’m reading national news updates about the latest political stalemate, witnessing an ugly insult exchange on social media, or battling for “control” within my own anxious mind.

One of the biggest revelations I’ve had lately is that I need to pause and stop turning mental cartwheels trying to figure it all out. I want to open myself to genuinely attuning and receiving … messages from others and messages from my gut. I want to strive less and listen more.

Instead of arguing my point of view (whether aloud or internally), I want to lean into more intentional listening, and I’ve been drawing on two tools—the first supports the practice of listening, and the other helps us calm our bodies so that we can genuinely listen in the first place.

To begin, here’s a simple practice called “Tell Me More,” inspired by Scott Shigeoka’s words and his book called Seek, which is all about the power of curiosity in strengthening human connection. Consider experimenting with it in your daily interactions, sharing it with colleagues during a staff meeting, or using it in the classroom with students, young and old.

Rather than defending your opinion, this practice encourages you to be curious and humble.The goal here is to practice what it feels like to listen without convincing someone else of your point of view. When someone disagrees with you, respond with “Tell me more” to better understand their perspective.

Here are the basic instructions for leading this practice with small groups during a staff meeting or as a classroom-based activity:

Research suggests that intellectual humility and curiosity go hand in hand, and it makes sense—when we’re curious, we are open to learning more. Humble people also tend to listen with curiosity. In fact, researcher Michael Lehmann and his team recently developed a listening practice that led to greater humility. When study participants listened with curiosity and interest, both members of the pair reported experiencing an increase in humility.

Author Scott Shigeoka reminds us: “When we use curiosity as a practice of connection instead of only as an intellectual exercise, the goal isn’t to know but rather to understand.” Yes! But it’s one thing to practice listening around a more benign difference of preference. It’s another to be sitting at your Thanksgiving dinner table, or in your staff meeting, or with an angry parent as they lob an aggressively charged comment at you.

I don’t know about you, but I have a very difficult time being curious and opening myself up to true understanding when my nervous system feels under threat. With this in mind, here’s an even simpler practice you can draw on to prepare your body for a difficult conversation or a challenging day ahead.

In a 2023 study, Stanford-based researchers compared the effects of three different meditation techniques (box breathing, cyclic sighing, and mindfulness), and “cyclic sighing.” Study participants who practiced cyclic sighing for five minutes a day over a one-month period (when compared to the other two techniques) experienced an increase in positive affect, a reduction in anxiety, and a shift in their physiology, too.

According to the researchers, the exhalation component (the extended sigh) featured in this practice activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which can help to regulate our heart rate—soothing our bodies. When I shared this practice at the start of a community of practice yesterday, my colleagues reported feeling “lighter,” more “open,” and more “relaxed.” I invite you to pause for one minute to give “cyclic sighing” a try as you finish this article.